Thy book of faces; Is a strange phenomenon. Now, I think I’ve been on Facebook long enough to actually put people in different categories, that is, what kind of user they are. Even though I use The Face everyday I don’t consider myself as THAT active. Some will argue with me that I am, some will probably say that they don’t even notice me.
Facebook is a buggy social site, but that’s not what bothers me with it. It’s the users. I’m not gonna name names in this entry because that would be very S.N.C of me, but if you do recognize yourself in one of the categories, chances are that you are one of these users.
The Observer: This user really annoys me (not that any other doesn’t) because they do nothing. They have Facebook. That’s it, they just have it, they’re online 24/7 but they do NOTHING. They don’t comment, they don’t “like” they don’t share. Nothing. From where I’m standing it must be that they just sit in a chair and refresh the page every now and then maybe taking notes in their creepy, leather-bound “People I’m going to eat”-book. The question I want to know is; Who watches the watchmen?
The Ninja: The Ninja is a quiet, mysterious being. Lurking in the shadows, calmly waiting for its time to strike. To not be seen before it’s too late. HIYAH! Well, to simplify; The Ninja is a Facebook user that you never see online. You think you might get a glance of them online every once in a while, but that’s probably the site bugging up again…as fucking usual. However they do comment and “like” and post stuff and update their status now and then, but when it’s too quiet on their part I just figure that they’ve resigned from The Face. When they finally do make a visible appearance my reaction always is “HOLY SHIT! I thought you were dead! Who’s funeral did I go to?”.
The Thinker: Now…I think this my personal favourite…to fucking HATE! These oxygen-wasters write anything…ANYTHING that’s on their mind. I get that you CAN do that on Facebook…I don’t know if it’s that appreciated from other users though. These people rarely even get comments on they’re frequent status updates. Look, I know that you think “Going to buy chicken at the store” is your highlight of the day but why would you wanna write that? What’s your goal by sharing that one thought? Do like me, get a blog no one reads, but at least you can vent your thoughts. I know, I knoooow that I can hide they’re live feed. I know…but I like to keep them visible for one reason; they give me material for my blog.
The Hologram: It’s BASICALLY like The Observer. They’re online all.the.time, or at least very very very often. But when You write to them, nothing, dead. There’s a reason for that…they left the page open at home or they’re online on their phones but forgot to log out. Pay attention dickwads! I just found a video where a guy dodges three cars in seconds while just standing on the street and I need you to comment that shit!
The Collector: Pretty standard user, nothing that particular about it. The only thing is that they have like 1,753 friends…but they don’t, do they? No they don’t. No one has that many friends. They just collect people to be friends with. They just want to have the most friends. Sure, it could be a fun little “competish” to see who could get most friends in a week or two. But these users just NEEDS to have as many friends as possible. Maybe it’s like Highlander rules…if they reach a certain number, they’ll get immortal. I have like 80 and I think that’s a bit too much because I only talk to handful of people anyway. I talk to those near and dear to my black little heart.
The Maestro: Here’s another user I just loathe. Look, it’s ok to share a song from YouTube or Spotify now and then, I’ve done it, but…take a fucking break won’t ya’?! It’s not even good songs…well ok some of them might be good-by the standard “it’s a classic” (however most of them fucking suck so much it brings a tear to my eye) but it’s not like we haven’t heard it a million times before. If you’re gonna post an armada of YouTube songs, pick some obscure songs…maybe not the most popular ones. People don’t open these links anyway. How many times can you hear “Paradise City” or “Sweet child o’ mine”? We know those songs…if you’re gonna share some classical rock songs, share some Queen…but NOT “We will rock you” or “We are the champions”!
The Comedian: Ahhh, yes. This is me in real life. But on Facebook…it gets annoying. This user just posts things to get laughs and you know sometimes, it actually works. But you don’t think that picture of Osama Bin Laden but with Mr. Beans face is fresh do you? And The Lonely Island’s “I’m on a boat” got tiresome really fast. We all knew of Pablo Fransisco back in the early 2000’s but just like him now…you too, should get new material.
The Insomniac: This user is kind of a mix of all the categories. They post frequently what’s on their minds that no one cares about, they post songs, pictures and so on. That’s all fine and that…but they do this…all.the.time…it get’s annoying. Even at 3 o’ clock they can share a song and tell the world that they are getting sleepy! Fucking…close the page down and go to bed instead of writing that you are getting sleepy. And for whom is that written? No one is going to comment on that so fucking late! Just break off your fingers and go to bed. No one is gonna watch a live video of The Prodigy at 3:45!
The Dramatic: The only thing this users writes is dramatic. Not good-dramatic. High-school-bullshit-dramatic. The only people who comment on the drama are the close friends…I always “like” their initial drama-status just because I find that a bit funny. How can you not get annoyed with such a bullshit status like “Figuring out how to love only to realize, I can’t.” or “sigh” or “Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, neither do I”. I just can’t wrap my head around that…who fucking cares? Take a coffee with a friend if you have some issues you want to talk about don’t post sad smileys on Facebook hoping that people will feel sorry for you!
The Entity: Basically, someone who has an account but never, ever uses it. Ever. They have three-four pictures in their album from three and half years ago and probably 123 friend requests. They also just repeats the phrase “I’m gonna delete my account tomorrow.”
The Snapper: Remember when people said “camera phones”? Well some people still live by that. They take pictures with their smartphones everywhere they go. A specially with app’s like Instragram, Colorsplash or PopCam (fuck I just pitched some app’s to them..) The pictures comes out nice, I’ve used Instagram myself. But it’s a cheating tool. You take a picture of…whatever, a STOP sign and then you smack a filter on it and viola, artsy. I don’t get it. Can you comment on that? I see that it’s a nice picture but I also know you’re cheating with simple filters to make it look nice. Like I said, I’ve used it myself mostly for just that fact, I cheat, I’m not a photographer. It was also mostly to experiment with lighting, filters and focus. But don’t tell me you still do that after 7 months! Oh and you always have to fucking ask them not to tag you. If you don’t say anything they will tag the shit out of you. Everyone can see that you’re shit faced, snorting cocaine of that hookers penis and “liking” it.
The Slacker: I like the slacker. I know…weird of me to say that. But I do. To me it’s the perfect Face’er. They update their status enough not to make it too much or too little. Sometimes it’s funny, random or just informative maybe something like “Just passed my exam, gonna go out and celebrate tonight, who’s joining?!” That’s great and I will gladly come. They can post a YouTube video once in a while or a picture…once.in.a.while. See, that’s what I like about them. “Once in a while”, that’s like a fucking mantra to me.
The Globetrotter: I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE AT HOME! Why do some people check-in at their own home?! I’ve checked in like…once or twice. Mostly at bars so people can come over if they want to. Some Globetrotters check-in on subway stations…well that’s fucking either clever or retarded. Is it to lure people over there just so you can vanish to the other side of town in a matter of minutes? Like honestly…WHY check-in at such random locations. If I wanted to know so badly where you are located, I will fucking call you. I’m not saying that the check-in feature is a bad thing, it’s kind of nifty, but some people abuse it way too much.
The Planner: Ooohoooo how you wish I would come to your event! You get invited to the most absurd things. Like some fucking protest about how chocolate experiments too much with flavours. Give me a break. This isn’t going to affect your life permanently. The thing the bugs me the most with The Planners is that they sent you the events…but they themselves aren’t even going! They live in another city or some bullshit. Like..what the fuck?! That’s like if you’d go bungy-jumping with the person and they want you to jump, when you finally get convinced and jump and later when you come back up, they say “No, I’m scared of heights”.
and finally that last one…
The Asshole: Now, this is totally me. I’m a complete asshole. We only sit on The FACE, hating. We hate almost every user. We hate that we finally caved and registered as users. We hate that it made MSN obsolete because everyone else is on the buggy Facebook chat that seems to decide on its own what not to send. We don’t think we’re better than anyone or think we’re superior in any way, we just have a lot of hatred and issues that we reflect on other users quietly to ourselves. It’s never anything personal and not meant to be hurtful. But we just get annoyed by the way you act. We get annoyed that you’re not like us. One of us, one of us, one of us, one of us…
That’s…way too many!