Idiot-Man.

Ok, look, I’m not saying that I’m smart, but at the same time I’m not saying that I’m stupid. However, my brain (at least a part of it) begs to differ.

Like I can think something but then immediately afterwards my other side of the brain just goes “What the fuck dude?! That’s just stupid!”. Like today, I saw this young woman sitting on the subway , whistling, but she had a bluetooth headset. So I, for an actual full minute thought to myself that she had some sort of whistling activated bluetooth headset whereas my brain went “Are you fucking serious?! You are the dumbest idiot on the planet! That’s not even a thing you ass hole!”

I wrestle with my own thoughts a lot, but it get tiresome quite quickly so I focus on something else, usually other people. I listen in on these two other guys talking…before I go on I just really have to point this out; what happened to people using their words? Actually using them? In today’s standards it just seems that we grab the first best word from the shelf, it doesn’t have any meaning anymore. Sure, I’m guilty of that aswell but I’m trying to better myself. But no, in this day and age it’s just top shelf words. So these two guys are talking. The one says to another “Hey, guess who I saw today? – Who? – Jessica. – That’s hilarious.” What the fuck? Is it? Is it HILARIOUS that Fucknut #1 saw Jessica? Like is that even a story?! One person saw another one, wow! Do you know what hilarious/hilarity means? It means that you literally go insane from comedy. It means that you hear something and it is so funny that you can’t even cope with the outside world, after a week you lie down in a gutter with piss and shit all over yourself because your mind is completely destroyed…by comedy. So yeah, fuck the guys and fuck Jessica, I hope she dies…TODAY! Right after my post. You know how that conversation should have ended? “Hey, guess who I saw today? – Who? – Jessica. – That happened.” I hate that, when people ask me  “You wont believe who I saw today!…yes I will. I totally will, of course I will! How could I not. If it isn’t something so extraordinary that my head will explode. ‘Cause clearly the person survived it, the person lived so he/she could tell me, so yeah, I will believe it.

I overheard a couple later on after I was finsihed hating the other ones.

“Oh my god, I ate the best dinner last night with my mom. – Oh really? – Yeah! It was amazing!” Was it?! Was it really? AMAZING? You were amazed by that dinner? How can you continue your miserable life if all that it took was a (what I presume) delicious meal? You should honest to god end your life then , there is no point for you if your mind became AMAZED. Nothing in life will ever live up to that.

Oh, it’s my stop?! That went fast…

Please, try to use them well.

Take Cover!

Video game box arts (or covers) can pretty much make or break the sales of a video game even to this day. Sure, it’s a bit easier to browse through some video games and find out in a few seconds what the average review scores are and what critics say about it. It was a lot harder back in the day, without the “netz”, yeah that’s how I call the internet, you could only look at a cover and hope that it was good or if you were one of those kids that had subscriptions to the magazines. Other than that your choices were; Friends, magazines and chances.

This entry is a bit of an homage to all those games with shitty box arts!

This game…looks fucking incredible, although I can’t help to wonder if those divers in the background are going to paint the ocean red with the dolphin’s blood.

Wow…this looks…super fun…zzzzzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz…

Why is “Scully” holding a flashlight in a well-lit corridor? Why is “Mulder” holding a cookie? Oh and spoiler I think the blond chick did it.

Is this a game cover or a magazine cover?! What the fuck! Solve the puzzles? Like what, the crossword near the last page or the “How to make your boyfriend happy while nagging his brains out-quiz”?

Ehm…yeah, that’s what I want. Fucking KIDS to put out my grease fires in the kitchen and just look how confident that little dick looks like. It pisses me off. Also, that hose handle looks a LOT like my penis…ladies…

Let me guess, Curt Cobain is the “vampire” and Emily The Strange is the witch? I mean…this cover is fucking beyond ugly…the artwork is so off for some reason…it’s like they wanted the characters to look real but then they used odd fucking filters all over the thing and made Emily look like an anime-goth-whore and Curt’s arm looks a bit odd, it’s like too short and…weird.

HOLY SHIT! I don’t know man…this looks creepy as hell…change out the background to a more basement-y enviroment and it looks like a serial killer simulator. There is so much weirdness to this cover…look how the hand is holding the scissors, now that looks fucking sloppy, and is the girl/android suppose to look real or are were they trying to make it look like one of those training dolls? Either way…this cover is horrific.

Is it just me or…does this cover look awfully familiar? I don’t have a lot to say about this one…it looks just as odd as the other one. But now the witch(?) and vampire(?) look more mature and…a bit like those couples you see on the cover of those cheesy romantic/sex novels mom’s used to read. At least his arm doesn’t look all fucked up this time around.

Ok…WHAT THE FUCK? This looks so fucking wierd…golden horse shoes, pieces of nature just “hanging” in the background with a hedgehog on it…oh my god…

I’d never thought I would see Dr. Phil and a mexican Fonzie on the cover of a football game…

You know…for some sort of murder-mystery game she looks way too calm. I bet she did it. Also her hands look and neck look like it’s a photo but her face and hair is cartoony…who was the fucking genius behind this one?

For a game called “Smart Kids” they don’t look so smart. I’m also a bit confused about the robot and bear cub. The robot especially looks a bit…derp-derp.

Well the name of the game just rolls of your tongue. Oh, and…it looks great, it will probably win some BAFTA awards…

I don’t want to be “that guy” but that hat and that top don’t go so well with eachother…I mean take a look at the clothes on the cover! A baby blue t-shirt with a peace sign and spilled paint over it? That might have looked “good” in the fucking 60’s!

What.The.Fuck?!

Thoughts.

Things are brewing in my head from time to time…and I sometimes wonder if there really are answers to my questions and thoughts.

How come you can get thrown out from a pub or bar for being too drunk but not get thrown out of a restaurant for being too full?

Why is it that people can show you pictures of their children but I can’t take pictures of children?

Isn’t it odd that when the pilot lands the plane, people applaud, but when I applaud the bus chauffeur people stare at me like I have some mental disorder?

I wonder why, of all superpowers, I got the one that makes me invisible to bartenders when I’m trying to order a drink.

Why don’t modern kings and queens have jesters?

I’ve learned (the hard way) that there is a big difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

Why is it that you can complement a womans outfit but not a specific piece of clothing without the risk of sounding like a twat? Example: You have a very lovely pair of panties.

A similar thought; How come it’s ok for one to say “I love children” but it gets creepy when you’re being specific? Example; I love nine-year-olds.

How come, when I put on my superhero costume people think I’m some vengeful pedophile?

I wonder if professional clowns are actually really depressed?

If ghosts exists, can they haunt anyone they want or do they get an address and info on the house like a contract and so on?

Why is it that we become so damn excited when we hear tire screeches in the distant hoping to hear a crash sound?

Why is it that mom’s run up to the window when they hear ambulance/police/fire truck sirens?

Why do Carlsberg think they are the best beer in the world when they’re clearly not?

Why are girls attracted to guys that have blond spiky highlights, a dragon/tribal tattoo, a piercing in the eyebrow and a ridiculous tan?

Why do bad actors still get work? I’m looking at you Andy Dick, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler, Nicholas Cage. Steve Martin, Matthew McConaughey, Michael Cera (it’s time to evolve as an actor dude…), Mark Wahlberg…you know…I could go on way too long so I’ll stop.

Why are people always so brave behind their monitor? Don’t you know that anyone is trackable?

Why is it ok for kids to say stuff like “that boy has goofy hair” and it’s considered cute but when I tell them that they are sticky and smell like shit and probably were unwanted, their dad’s beat the shit out of me?

How does a happy goth look like?

How come when I start to wear something or do something it becomes trendy after a few months? Stop spying on me…Trend’s ‘R’ Us!

Why is it considered “flaky” to wear a name tag on a party instead of going around the room shaking everyone’s hand and repeat your name 10-20 times and it’s not considered crazy?

Why is it frowned upon to read a book on the subway called “99 Ways To Hijack Any Method of Transportation”?

Why can girls try on perfumes in stores and it’s ok, but when I spray them down they don’t like it?

Why is it weird to go in to a clothing store and change into another outfit that you had with you in a bag?

Why? Why? WHYYYYY?!

This is sooooo me!

Facts that are fun.

Getting to know you, getting to know me…

I thought it would be fun to just write down some facts about me, like real random stuff about me. Fun right? RIGHT?! Well fuck you…

I have BDD which is an acronym for Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

My hair is made out of a special fiber-plastic that was developed by NASA.

I enjoy dirty-talk in bed. Even though I can find it a bit emberassing…there’s also a risk that the girl may wake up.

I “secretly” wish that I had retractable claws like Wolverine. Basically, if there ever was a secret experiment that dabbled in the field of Human-2-Mutant I would be the first in line.

My real name is Zebbura and means zebra in japanese.

I am 24-years old.

I have a very similar relationship with the TV like Homer Simpson have with his.

I like video-games…a lot.

I like comic books and graphic novels. I even enjoy the occasional book.

I change my dream job every month or so. This month: Musician.

My dad is a robot.

My mom is unhappy.

My evil twin brother died during the shooting of the second Jurassic Park movie. Jeff Goldblum ate his soul.

I have roots in the following countries; Poland, England, Ireland, Scotland, Canada, Israel and Uruguay. However the biggest “pieces” are from Poland and England so…I go with that, no one wants to sleep with “just a pollack”.

If I hade super-powers I would probably use them for my own benefit/evil.

I like geeky sweat bands.

If I ever find a pair of jeans that fits me well I wear them till they disintegrate.

I have unexplained feelings towards the following male singers; Patrick Stump, Jim James, Conor Oberst, Tom Gabel, Alex Turner, Claudio Sanchez, Dave Matthews, Ben Gibbard, Paul Banks, Ian Curtis, Justin Pierre and Max “Fucking” Bemis.

I once fell off a swing in Poland and landed on some cracked concrete so I busted my forehead open, now I have a Harry Potter-esque scar.

I hate it when my friends ask me if I have been working out. It really shows that they don’t know me as a person.

I find it annoying when people ask me the question “If you had a time machine, where would you travel?” To me it’s just a reason for them to tell the stupid places they would travel.

I have brown eyes with a bit of green in them (or so I’ve been told).

Coca-Cola/Light/Zero…I choose Pepsi Max anytime.

I have quit smoking 3-4 times.

I enjoy a nice glass of whiskey…and a cigar…awh shit…now I want whiskey and a cigar…thanks a lot…m-me!

I think I’m pretty bad to mediocre att most things in life.

It’s easy for me to learn new things.

I don’t believe in ghosts nor supernatural beings like spirits and sheets with holes cut out in them.

When I was five-six years old my dad thought it would be a great idea to let me watch Stephen King’s It, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Alien and other horror/sci-fi flicks. Now no movie scares me, thanks pah.

I have Dyscalculia.

I hate it when friends say they’re gonna “call you right back” and it takes hours/days/weeks/months(!) before you call them up again and their excuse is something like “Ooooh, I just totally forgot.” I expect an epic tale of betrayal, passion, love and death if it takes so long to call me “right back”.

I hate sports.

I don’t understand sports.

I find sports to be boring.

I get real nervous around women and when I do I say off-putting things like; Wanna see my porcelain doll collection I keep on my bed? But it’s ok, pepper spray wears off after 8-10 minutes on me.

I’m pretty handy.

I sometimes like that I’m different.

I wish I controlled Hollywood so I could make them stop being such assholes. Oh, and I would put Charlie Sheen out of his misery.

When I was a kid my mom bought me white socks with some silver lining in them because Michael Jackson wore similar ones. I hated her for that.

When I was a kid my dad bought me turquoise roller blades that had that shimmering glitter effect. I hated him for that.

I would like to release my own album.

In certain periods I’m considering getting Facebook.

I wish I could draw.

I don’t wanna write this anymore.

Awh…thank you.

…oh and also…

NEW HAIRCUT!

 

…oh and before I forget…

KITTEN MUG!!

Back from the dead.

Well…not really! I’ve been away, that I have. Here and there! Why bore you with details?! Details suck so shut up…mom! I’ve bought some new shit like new headphones and new shoes. Isn’t that nice?

Have you missed me? I have missed you! All four of my readers! Ugh, I’m so exhausted why didn’t anyone warn me that traveling was such a pain in the ass?! Luckily…well before I get into that I probably should give you the back story; last fall I found an iPhone, yes, FOUND! No, not in someones purse or pants I actually found one!  I didn’t know where to return it as I accidentally wiped it. Well it might have been fifty-fifty. I’m good when it comes to technology, new and old, but when it comes to “smart phones” I imagine I would react the same way if someone would give me a bomb to disarm. So I kinda knew what I was doing but before I knew it…more(?) it was too late. So I decided to keep it. I tried to Jailbreak it and for those who do not know what it is it’s basically to “hack” or “enter the matrix” the iPhone. So I tried and I tried but no luck. I fucked it up. At the time it was un-hackable *Super Sadface*.

Months has passed.

Huzzah! I hacked it! I entered the Matrix and even bought a house there. It’s a nice Tuscan villa, near a lake, real nice. Roomy…where was I? Oh right! So I just have to say…it’s a pretty awesome thing. I feel kinda bad for teasing some of my friends for getting one of these. But hey, what did I expect for all I knew it was a super expensive phone that yu could surf with and have lame apps like “The Weather in Cairo” or “Voice Changer: Duck Edition”. But I don’t use it as a phone…hellz no. I use it as a iPod and portable game device. The stupid/awesome apps are just a perk…oh and the ability to use it as a phone.

I might get a small tattoo next week too…I’m not SUPER sure what I will get…but something…maybe a heart and in it says “PETER” and whenever someone asks me who Peter is I’ll just go “What?! It says Peter?! I got ripped off!”. Ok, that’s a stupid idea…but that’s the thing, I have too many ideas and they all clash. Maybe I’ll draw something up myself.

 

I guess that’s it for now. byezies!

No Picture this Time!!

You know you drive me crazy, you know you drive me wild (don’t do that).

Cool news! I’ve stopped taking my medication ( you know the ones that stopped me from ending up on the 8 O’ Clock news with the headline “12 people mysteriously decapitated with a children’s shovel”). Also I’ve stopped seeing my shrink for a while. It’s kind of funny really, I stopped taking my medz very abruptly and you’re suppose to faze the medicine out which means take smaller doses for a while before you can stop completely.

Well, I took the “Rambo-approach” and stopped immediately! Cool shit happens to your body when you do that. I get these odd…shocks in my head…or to better explain it; you know when you’re falling asleep and you’re in that phase when you actually feel that any second you’ll be sleeping and someone or something wakes you up from that feeling? I get that kind of feeling a few times every 20 minutes. My short-term memory is shot to hell for while aswell, my concentration is non-existent and my balance is off. Just a few days ago I rushed down the building stairs to the Kwik-E-Mart-esque shop in my building and I thought, for some reason, it would be magical if I’d take two stairs at a time. Mistake! In one of my attempts of short-cutting in life, one of these “shocks” hit me so I lost all my focus and balance…I tumbled down the remaining stairs as if an obese person would if they heard that McDonald is closing in five minutes. It’s a shame too. Because I think I looked beautiful when I hopped down those stairs, majestic, like a gazelle in the savannah.

After I stretched out my back to normal and inserted me arm back in its socket I went to Apu to buy some cigarettes, yeah, I still haven’t quit?! I blame Japan…too soon? Speaking of…is anyone else kinda worried? I mean in the movies, an earthquake was a sign that Godzilla was rising up from…wherever that bitch lives. Then they got a tsunami on their ass, jesus, like…I know they kinda throw out their children in the trash if the newly born infants don’t impress them right away with equations or some new gadget they can pitch to Sony…meh…maybe it’s their time to get screwed again. Oh, and fuck you if you think I’m not being sensitive…I donated 12 dorrars to them around a week ago. That’s like…a lot in their ranked-down country. Plus you know…japanese people are really good at rebuilding, have you seen Hiroshima? It’s beautiful! A few more oversized skyscrapers and Hello Kitty™ logos and it will be the next Dubai.

I also love that “scientists” said that it’s because of the SUPER-MOON. I love that…who thought of it? “Ok, people, people these are dire times…the moon is huge for some reason! – Shit, Steve…you’re right…it’s almost super big! – S…super big you say? I have an idea. *The Next Day* Beware! The Super-Moon!”

You know what…I saw pictures of it, I might have even seen it with my own eyes but that night it was supposed to be very visible I was drunk, anyway, there was nothing super about it! No cape, no alter-ego, no nemesis, not even a fucking mask to cover its identity. What.a.rip. Shame on you scientists! Next time just call it “Slighty Larger Moon” don’t you dare excite my childish mind by throwing in cool words like super, mega or ultra in your little discoveries. It builds me up!  Fuck science! Where are the Jurassic parks? Where is my hoverboard (remember that you only have four years left to create one! Yeah…a little Back to the Future reference there, kudos if you got it) and where is my fully functioning Jetpack? They’ve been in movies longer than Andy Dick and who decided to give him work?!

I know…I’m getting really off topic, although, when I sat down I didn’t have anything to write about. I almost wanted to write something about Liz Taylor but she’s was one of those celebs that didn’t piss me off enough. Oh and Lizzie…watch out for MJ and David Carradine, I hear they’re freaky!

Yes! I wear a tie!

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

It’s that wonderful time of the year again! It’s late, I can’t sleep and I’m fucking bored and tired (though not sleepy).
So some stuff has happened lately but I wont go in to the details at this particular moment. No…now it’s time for something much more fun; PICTURES OF TINY FROGS!!

Nah…video game titles, yeah, remember when I did that? This time it wont be a specific console though. Well strap yourselves in kiddies, we’re in for quite a ride.

Challenge Me: Word Puzzles (Wii) – CHALLENGE…ACCEPTED! It is on! It is on ’til the break of dawn!

Nightclub Story (iPhone) – Yeah, this is great. I wonder what the story is? Do some cocaine in the bathroom stalls, get into a fight, pay for over-priced alcohol, not being allowed to hear your own thoughts because it gets drowned from the insanely loud bass…wake up, wishing you were dead. Yeah, fun story!

Feng Shui Game (iPhone) – Sounds super fun! Move that furniture to a ridiculous place. Bing! Level 1 Complete.

Dino D-Day (PC) – Din-…what the fuck? Is this the battle in Normandy but with dinosaurs or do you experience the events  just before those awesome comets and asteroids smashed into earth?

Honda Fever (Wii) – Typical…first the Bird flu then Swine flu and now Honda fever…

NightSky (Wii) – Yes. Sounds like a great idea for a game. OR! You could just look outside? That’s like playing a game called “Beautiful Day”.

The Tiny Bang Story (PC) – Oh-ho-ho. I get it! Fucking idiots…

Storm (iPhone) – I just really hate it when developers name their games after what kind of weather it is outside their miserable windows.

Miracle Baby (iPhone) – “Oh my god! The abortion didn’t take! Isn’t it a miracle honey?! – Yeah…fantastic…I banged your mom.”

Dungeons (PC) – Or for legal reasons: Fritzl’s Extravaganza!

Man vs. Wild (Wii) – Spoiler: Man wins. As always.

Heartbeat (Wii) – Ehm…ok? A heart beats between 60-180 times per minute. Did I win?

Fix-It-Up: Kate’s Adventure (iPhone) – Kate should stop fucking around with adventuring and get her ass back to the kitchen.

Karma Returns (PC) – Oh shit! Karma is back with a vengeance!  That 10-15 years in the slammer really toughened it up!

Bumpy Road (PC) – “I knew we should’ve stayed on the freeway Josh! Now we’re on this fucking bumpy road! GOD…I…just fucking HATE inconveniences!”

Burn It All (iPhone) – Well…I’m fucking sold! How great is it that you can have a arsonist simulator on your phone!

My Fireplace (Wii) – …sweet…I love fireplace games. Their so relaxing…but…they always just makes me want to play “Burn It All” instead.

TNT Racers (Wii) – That sounds extremely dangerous…and a bit awesome, either way we’ll see some cars explode sooner or later.

Poppit! (iPhone) – Fuck you! You probably just press your greasy fingers all over that screen. Pop shit like balloons and bubbles. Fuck off.

I Must Run! (iPhone) – Yeah you should fucking run! “What happens if I get caught?” Oh Jesus…don’t get caught, whatever you do: DO.NOT.GET.CAUGHT! You must run! Talk about a stressful game.

Dead Island (PC) – Well…my next vacation trip is booked!

Coma (PC) – Sounds like a real…SNOOZE-Fest if you ask me…eh?…eh?…Get it?

Batman: Arkham City (PC, X360 & Ps3) – Nothing wrong with the title…I just…REALLY  want this game…

Neverwinter (PC) – Although…Sometimeswinter. Like Alwaynovember and Constantdecember.

Lufia & the Fortress of Doom (Wii) – Oh Lufia. Can’t you just have a normal day for once?

The Flying Hamster (iPhone) – “Yeah! Fly hamster, fly! Oh god, look out for th- *SPLAT*…wall of sharp objects…*sigh*…I’ll miss you Number 23.”

Pets vs. Monsters (PC) – Spoiler: Pets win…yeah I know. I couldn’t believe it either!

Doc Clock: The Toasted Sandwich of Time (PC) – Ok..is it just me…or do you have this super craving for a time sandwich?!

Feed Me Oil (iPhone) – “Ok…I’ve been with a lot of weird chicks…but you are by far the most fucked up one. I’ll call you.”

A Valley Without Wind (PC) – How poetic…and utterly gay.

I Am Alive (PC) – Fantastic news! Now, about those 10$ you owe me…

Burdz (iPhone) – No. No. I wont do it…gh…hnngg…ah shit! It’s spelled “Birds” you assholes! Stop thinking that a good marketing for a game is to give it fucked up spelling.

“I’m not addicted! I just…really, really like it as a necklace.”

 

 

 

Gotham Knight.

“Well well well…if it isn’t Bats! How long has it been, hmm? Did you get my card?! Ha-ha-ha-ha!! – Joker, you sick fuck! Why would you think I wanted a card with a naked picture of you?! Jesus christ, I always knew you were crazy but c’mon…nobody wants to see that!”

Wayne, Bruce Wayne. Millionaire playboy with a secret. He has only one butler. With his parents murdered at a very young age, young Bruce had to live in a giant mansion with his one and only friend, Alfred The Butler. With time slowly passing by, Bruce wanted to become a symbol that Gotham City needed, for some reason he chose the Bat as a symbol, because Bruce was afraid of them. So Christian Bale, I mean, Val Kilmer…ehm…I mean Adam West…oh right! Bruce! Bruce Wayne had a snazzy suit done with some help of a close friend to the Wayne Industries.

“Alfred!! Aaaaaallllfffrrreeeeeeddd!!! – Yes master Bruce? – Cake! – Sir? – Are you deaf you old piece of shit? Or should I say it in your native language; stupid?! – *sigh* Master Bruce, why don’t you hire more employees? I cannot tend to all your needs AND take care of this mansion. – Silence! Shut your fucking face. Now, Cake. Give me cake or so help me god I will call The I.N.S! – But sir I am not an illegal immigrant. There would be no point to contact the Immigration and Naturalization Service. – Where’ my fucking cake, old man? – *sigh* what flavour, sir? – Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ME!”

The Riddler, Joker, The Penguin, Two-Face, Killer Croc, Hugo Strange, Ra’s Al Ghul, Clayface, Poison Ivy, Talia Al Ghul, Bane, Catwoman, Mr. Freeze, Man-Bat, Black Mask, Scarecrow, Deadshot, Firefly, The Mad Hatter, Hush, The Ventriloquist…yes Batman had many, many enemies whom wanted nothing more than to see him dead. To uncover his identity. To Destroy his life. To make him suffer.

“Riddle me this Bat-fuck! Who is a giant moody douche that wears a cape? – Ehm…Thor? – THOR?! Thor?…that’s your answer? That’s not even DC Comics, that’s Marvel! – Oh right, sorry…ehm…Superman? – SUPERMAN?! Are you even trying asshole? Sure he gets a bit melodramatic at times but…*sigh* ok, look, think of what Superman is wearing…ok…now, think about what you are wearing and the way you speak. – Uhm…OHHHHhhhh, haha, yeah I gotcha, It’s The Green Arrow right?! – Jesus Christ…”

Whatever you do…never mention the parents.